The Academy Awards: There Are No Winners

Oh, the Academy Awards, where Hollywood gathers to give several awards to foreigners with a limited grasp of the English language, only to play them off the stage without mercy within thirty seconds of their stammering, rambling speeches. Realistically, there are only five awards anyone gives a crap about. This should take an hour, tops. But it will go on and on until you don't care about life anymore. If you ever did.

- Not Academy Award-related, but regarding the Justin Timberland Mastercard commercial: Do you think once the cameras are gone, he bangs that magenta-haired guitar player? She is kinda cute. She might not be up to JT's usual standards, but what the hell, he's in the middle of nowhere pretending to find her music interesting. He might as well.

- I see U2 in the background at the red carpet entrance. If the Edge ever takes off that longshoreman's skull cap, I'm sure it would reveal exposed brain like the aliens in Mars Attacks.

- Kevin Spacey is a great actor, but I'm not buying his "We all work really hard. It isn't always this glamorous" line. Yeah, you're a real ditch digger, Kev. Seriously, Kevin Spacey has a talent that few people have, and because of that talent he gets paid a lot of money. There's no shame in that; he doesn't have to concoct a blue collar narrative.

- Ellen just called Liza Minneli a man. Strong work. Also, pot meet kettle...

- Anne Hathaway's disco ball dress just blinded me. I'll never paint again!

- Jared Leto wins Best Supporting Actor. I was hoping they'd play him off the stage with a 30 Seconds to Mars song, but it didn't happen. He says "We're thinking of you in the Ukraine." Whew, that's a relief! Putin's wrath is no match for the fake concern of Jordan Catalano.

- Oh my god, Pharrell Williams is wearing his Canadian mountie hat again! It's full of secrets.
 
- Samuel L. Jackson has to give out the Costume Design award with a straight face. And Naomi Watts has to say "Jackass Presents Bad Grandpa" because it was nominated for makeup. Or original screenplay. I can't remember.

- "Man, the stars of Frozen didn't even show up for their Oscars." - some dumb stoned guy somewhere.

- Is there a situation that doesn't bring Sally Field to tears?

- Josesph Gordon Levitt just did his "Important Guy" voice.

- They are really letting the Europeans ramble on tonight. Play them off!!!

- Karen O from The Yeah Yeah Yeahs pulls the double feat of singing an Oscar nominated song and putting another shovelful of dirt on indie rock's shallow grave.


- The winner of Best Short Film should get half a statue. Try harder next time, Mister Condenser.

- And Best Documentary: Short Subject? "This is an important issue, but not THAT important. I mean, I got shit to do."

- I'm going to write and direct a documentary about a part time barista who waits in line for 5 days for the latest iPhone, but when he gets to the front of the line they don't have the color he wants, so he has to get his second choice, which clashes with his iPad cover.

- Darlene Love is singing her acceptance speech. It's as annoying as it sounds.

- Kevin Spacey, fresh from his double shift at the ol' mill, announces the honorary awards that are so important they can't bother to televise them.

- The guy who won for Best Foreign Language Film was sitting so far away from the stage he had to take a shuttle. He said some things that were very funny to the people who could understand him.

- Tyler Perry is presenting. Everyone in the room just got a little less talented. Even John Stamos.

- Joaquin Phoenix in Her looks like the guy at a wood-fired pizza place who demands a gluten free crust AND vegan cheese. Oh, and then he tries to screw his Samsung Galaxy 5 in front of a horrified family celebrating Aunt Jenny's 74th birthday.

- U2 singing about that time they ended Apartheid. Good job, fellas.

- Sound Editing. Because I can't stand a movie I can't hear. Always a problem.

-A travesty of justice has just occurred. National Treasure and Louisville's Own Jennifer Lawrence DID NOT win Best Supporting Actress. THIS AWARDS SHOW IS DEAD TO ME!!! When they show the montage of the dead later on, this show should be on the screen!

- Bill Murray is even good at presenting Best Cinematography. He's the Jennifer Lawrence of hilariously bitter old men.

- Gravity has won every technical award tonight. I'm still never going to watch it.

- I was going to type something nice about Pink, but I decided against it, because it would only encourage the completely unnecessary Wizard of Oz tribute that dragged this out even further.

- I have a full white old man beard now. Let's move this along.

- Baz Luhrmann's wife just won her fourth art direction Oscar. It pays to be married to a guy who makes really great looking terrible films.

- Oh, the Montage of Dead. Several years ago I would always be surprised to see a name or two during the In Memoriam segment, but because of the internet I usually know almost immediately when someone even remotely famous dies. Damn you internets, for taking away such a morbid element of surprise.

- Just once, after the Death Montage, I want the Pixies to come out and play "Monkey Gone to Heaven."

- This Just In: Nelson County schools are closed Monday. The school closing ticker is stealing the show from the Oscars! It's faster paced and less predictable.

- I think I would be remiss if I didn't point out that Jamie Foxx is kind of a douchebag.

- Gravity won for Best Original Score. And Best Redundant Score goes to George Clooney with some random cocktail waitress.

- Bono is going to have the people who won Best Song killed. And no one would miss them!

- I'm going to have to reteach myself how to walk and communicate, I've been sitting on this couch so long.

- Grown Ups 2 was screwed out of Best Original Screenplay.

-  Didn't Spike Jonze used to direct Squirt TV? The original cable access version, before it sold out.

- Ellen just said goodbye before the Best Actor, Best Actress, and Best Picture awards were given out. Even she wants this to end.

- Seriously, has time travel been perfected yet? This is taking forever.

- Best Actress goes to Cate Blanchett. She mentions Woody Allen and five people clap. Her pretending there's nothing wrong with Woody is the real acting job.

- National Treasure and Louisville's Own Jennifer Lawrence announces the award for Best Actor. The biggest honor, of course, will be accepting the award from National Treasure and Louisville's Own Jennifer Lawrence.

- Remember like five years ago when Matthew McConaughey's career was just a cesspool of dense suckage? He really turned it around, huh? Wooderson in Dazed and Confused is still his best performance, but he's having a pretty good year.

- I'm trying to think of a joke I can make about 12 Years a Slave without sounding like a complete asshole. Uh...

Goodnight!