Friday, February 7, 2014

What I Hate About Driving

 How do I hate driving? Let me count the ways...

- I'm perpetually trapped between someone in front of me who insists on driving 20 mph under the limit and someone behind me who wants to break the land speed record. I'll let you guess who is a woman who can't see over the steering wheel and is old enough to have had a crush on a pre-diabetus Wilford Brimley, and who is a teenager trying to drive while texting, watching Scareface on DVD, and tilting his hat "just so" in the rear view mirror.

- Every day I go to and from work on Westport Road. For those of you lucky enough to have never been on this highway to suburban hell, it is a five lane road from St Matthew's to just past where I work. After that it becomes the kind of road that Buford Pusser died on, but I don't have to drive on that part, thank god.

So there are five lanes - two eastbound, two westbound, and one turning lane in the middle. Yes, the government was nice enough to build a turning lane for miles, and even allows idiot libertarians to use it, just as it solves their crimes, puts out their fires, and educates their unruly children. But that's not the point. The point is, NO ONE SEEMS TO KNOW HOW TO USE THIS MAGICAL WONDER LANE! Every single day, someone comes to a complete stop in the fast lane, and then slooooooowly eases into the turning lane as drivers behind them slam on their brakes and curse. A lot. Sometimes,  a driver - usually the moron directly in front of me -  decides he needs to turn, so he abruptly swerves diagonally, hence blocking the turning lane AND the fast lane. This person, who has never been less than eighty years old, obliviously blocks traffic until he feels he can safely maneuver his city block-long gas guzzling Ford LTD into the Kroger parking lot.

- A friend of mine is from Chicago and he says you have about half a second after the light turns green to move your ass before the honking starts. We need to introduce that standard to Louisville. Here, someone can be sitting there for five full seconds and when you honk at them, you get a look like you just interrupted a funeral to talk about how asparagus makes your pee smell funny.

- There are two kinds of drivers in Louisville: those who never, ever use a turn signal, and those who use a turn signal but think it creates a magical force field around their car that allows them to cross multiple lanes of traffic with impunity.

- Some people refuse to turn on their headlights unless it's pitch dark outside. If it's raining or the sun has just gone down, for god's sake go ahead and turn on your damn headlights! I know it's an extra turning motion with your wrist that could eventually lead to crippling arthritis, but take the hit, man.

Enough complaining for now.

1 comment:

  1. When I got to Colorado Springs, I was given a lesson in how to drive here. Do not stop for a stoplight on the crosswalk area. Hippies abound, and they walk everywhere. Do not throw cigarette butts out of the window - you can still see scars on the mountains from the last wildfire. You can pull a u-turn ANYWHERE. Last, but not least: drive like your ass is on fire. It's fun, what with the changes in altitude and numerous hard curves.